Worried about

someone's porn habits?

Hey there! He waka eke noa – we’re all in this together!

It can be rough seeing someone struggling with porn, so it’s awesome you’re keen to help out. Whether it’s a friend, bro, or partner, if you’re wanting to learn more about helping someone who’s in that headspace, you’re in the right place… and you’re a legend for being here👍!

Tips & Tools

Looking for quick tips? Here’s what you need.

Understanding the signs

Working out what’s ‘healthy’ and what’s a problem with porn is tricky. If you’re worried about someone, before making a call or diving in to help, here’s some signs they might be struggling. They could…

get agitated or stressed without porn
need porn during sex to get aroused
want to try out stuff in porn without partners being into it
need more and more porn to be satisfied
try to watch less porn, but not be able to
need more violent and extreme porn to get turned on

Understanding why someone’s watching porn

There are heaps of reasons people watch one. A big NZ study showed the main reasons are curiosity, accidental, entertainment, sexual pleasure or boredom. Curiosity was number one! 🧐

Lots of people go to porn to ‘learn about sex’(17) – including non-heterosexual young people who don’t always get decent sex ed at school, and same-sex porn can feel like a helpful go-to.

Some young people use porn to deal with negative feelings like stress or anxiety.

“Young people struggling with porn have described feelings of shame, loneliness, guilt and being out of control. They’ve said they need someone safe to talk to who won’t judge.”

Manaaki tētahi ki tētahi : Sometimes we can be afraid of what people might think or say about us if we bring up a tricky Kaupapa. That doesn’t make it unimportant – it makes it more important. Think of it this way – you are providing manaaki (looking out) for them!

Understanding why someone’s struggling with porn

When someone watches porn heaps, it can end up creating habits and patterns that are hard to break. In a NZ study, it was pretty common for young porn viewers in NZ to want to cut back their porn, but struggle to (18).

Some young people with high porn usage can also find themselves in patterns where they need lots more porn or more extreme porn to get aroused, or need porn during sex to get things going.

If you want to learn more about how and why young New Zealanders watch porn, checkout The Classification Office survey with 2,000 young people: NZ Youth and Porn

Is ‘porn addiction’ a thing?

The term ‘addiction’ is used by young people to describe a range of experiences around struggling with porn.

It can mean different things to different people, such as….

they want to stop watching porn, but find it hard not to
they feel ashamed they watch porn
they’ve seen something disturbing in porn and can’t stop thinking about it
porn is impacting their day e.g. not doing homework or not hanging with friends
they think about porn a lot and get anxious about when they can next watch it
others are telling them they need to stop

Labelling someone, or yourself as ‘addicted to porn’ can be harmful or not helpful – so we don’t use the term on this site. But if someone uses this term for themselves, it’s important to hear why they’re feeling like this – and direct them to help HERE

Understanding how to help

If someone’s really struggling with their porn use, they might need more than just a listening ear.

There are some great tools that can help someone wanting to change up their porn habits. Check them out NEED HELP or WANT TO STOP WATCHING PORN, BUT CAN’T. Your friend or partner might also need to get some help from the pros.

To school up on professional support services, apps and filters that can help, click HERE

“I’ve noticed I mainly tend to look at porn when I’m quite or very stressed and/or strained as I kind of lose control over my body and mind to some extent. The stress just gets to me and I feel porn is the only real way to feel better, even though it really isn’t. It’s quite hard to explain.”
MALE, 16, OFLC research

Tips & tools

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Worried about a mate?

Here’s some tips and tools to help you out…

School up

Start by checking out this, to help understand possible signs of when someone might be struggling.

If you think the person you know is struggling, check out the next tips…

Dealing with your feelings

It can be helpful to start by understanding your own feelings. You might feel upset or betrayed if a partner has been keeping something secret from you.

If that’s you check out HERE. If you’re a friend or whānau member – you might be surprised or confused.

Whatever you feel is okay – and once you’ve dealt with your feelings, you’ll be in a better spot to help someone out.

Plan

Before you bring things up, decide who’s best to have the convo – it could be you, a friend, sibling, or a trusted adult.

Make a plan about when, where and how you will bring it up.

Stay level-headed

If a convo is super emotional, it usually blows up – so the calmer you are, the better. If you’ve just found out, wait until the next day to talk. If it’s a relationship, then GO HERE.

Porn can be a complex issue and the person you care about might be feeling embarrassed, ashamed or anxious. Addressing porn can bring up these emotions, so go in prepared. You’ve got this.

Frame it well

When you have the convo, use ‘I’ sentences rather than ‘you’ and use open questions. For e.g. “I’m worried that you might be struggling, how are you feeling?”

Make sure they know you’re not judging, you’re safe to talk to, and you’re there to help.

Practical tips

If someone’s struggling, they might feel in a rut and need some practical help to get out.

Suss out some solutions HERE or some practical things you can suggest for them:

Don’t go it alone

It can be hard trying to support someone.

Remember it’s not your job to ‘fix anyone’, and if you’re standing by them, you need support too.

Try a trusted adult – they don’t need all the details, but they might help.

Check out our talk/text services for options. And good on you for helping out.