Hi there! If you think porn might be affecting your sex life or relationships – you’re not alone.
(ouch 😱). We all want to have great sex and relationships – so if you’re keen to change things up, here’s some info, tips and tools to help…
TIPS & TOOLS
Partner using porn?
If your partner’s using porn and you’re a bit confused about it, here’s some stuff to help…
- Start with yourself: what is it about my partners porn use that’s worrying me and why do I feel like this?
- What are both our views on porn?
- What do we both think about porn in a relationship?
- If porn’s a problem in our relationship – where do we both sit with this? Is there a middle ground? Or is it a deal breaker?
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Porn impacting your relationships or sex life?
Porn can affect our relationships and sex life in heaps of different ways. If that’s you, here’s some tips to help out…
- Are my expectations realistic?
- Are we talking about what we both like and don’t like?
- Is there 100% mutual consent?
- Is what we’re trying going to feel great for both of us?
- Do we feel pressure to be something we’re not?
- Where are we learning about sex from? If it’s porn, try a reset.
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If you’re worried about the types of porn you are watching – click HERE
Change topics?
INFO
Porn and relationships
People can have positive and negative experiences watching porn – it’s important to respect everyone’s experiences.
Even if it’s mostly good times, the experts tell us that for some people that watch tons of porn it can affect their relationships. For e.g. they can become less affectionate in real-life sex, be less likely to seek out real-life relationships or start to prefer porn over real life sex(19)(20). Some partners of people that watch lots of porn can feel betrayed or insecure about it.
Note: If you’re watching porn and in a relationship, this doesn’t mean you’ll experiences these things – but if you’re watching a lot of porn and/or using porn as a learning tool, over time there’s more risk it may impact your relationships.
“Sex education through porn is dangerous because it gives an unrealistic idea of sex and intimacy.”
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020
Porn and Sex
There are also lots of studies on the impact of porn on sex, which suggest using porn (particularly a lot of it) doesn’t always positively affect our sex lives. Here are some of the ways it can affect someone’s sex life:
- less sexual satisfaction (even just with monthly use)(21)
- wanting riskier sex e.g. no condoms or experimenting with sex earlier(22)
- struggling to get turned on or needing porn to masturbate (23)
- pressure or pushing boundaries while hooking up(24)
- preferring porn to real-life sex or needing porn to get aroused(25)(26)
Here are some links to research on some possible effects of porn on sex: Porn and Young People or Can Porn Affect Us?
If you relate to any of these, don’t freak out – the great news is most of these impacts can be helped or reversed. Call the pros at Safe to Talk or head to your local sexual health clinic HERE.
What’s a healthy relationship – no regrets?
You might not know this but learning what makes a great relationship will probably help you more than algebra!
So, before you dive into a relationship, check out these signs of a healthy relationship, so you have NO REGRETS:
Nice: Sounds old fashioned, but it’s a no brainer … you’re nice to each other.
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020
What’s the difference between porn sex and great sex?
Check out this great resource that compares porn sex to great sex in terms of consent, connection, pleasure and safety.
What’s a healthy sexual relationship?
Quick 5 checklist..
Consent – an enthusiastic “hell yeah” kinda yes to the type, place, person and timing of sex
Communication – both partners say what they’re into/not into and it’s respected
Contraception/Condoms – it’s risk free of STIs and unplanned pregnancy
Comfort – it’s pleasurable, feels great for both partners and there’s no pressure
Connection – there’s connection and it’s not just all about the sex.
What do NZ young people think about porn and sex?
If you want to learn more about young people’s experiences with porn and how this might affect their relationships, checkout the Classification Office’s latest research with 50 young kiwis: Growing Up with Porn
What’s a healthy sexual relationship?
Quick 5 checklist..
Consent – an enthusiastic “hell yeah” kinda yes to the type, place, person and timing of sex
Communication – both partners say what they’re into/not into and it’s respected
Contraception/Condoms – it’s risk free of STIs and unplanned pregnancy
Comfort – it’s pleasurable, feels great for both partners and there’s no pressure
Connection – there’s connection and it’s not just all about the sex.
Anon youth, TLP Survey 2020
PORN AFFECTING YOUR
RELATIONSHIPS OR SEX LIFE?
Professional Athlete Lamar Odom and Ran Gavrieli talk porn, their sex lives, and how it didn’t work out for them. If you’re keen to hear from them, and get some extra ideas from NZ young people – tune in…
HELP
1737
If you’re feeling anxious, down or overwhelmed, 1737 offers a free confidential call or text line with trained counsellors 24/7.
Text: 1737
www.1737.org.nz
YOUTHLINE
24/7 free service designed just for youth. You can call or text to talk about big or small stuff.
Anonymous online chat 7-10pm.
Freephone: 0800 376 633
Text: 234
www.youthline.co.nz
Safe to Talk
If you’ve been affected by sexual harm or are worried about your own behaviour, Safe to Talk provide great 24/7 confidential non-judgmental support and advice with trained counsellors.
Anonymous online chat 24/7.
Freephone: 0800 044 334
Text: 4334
Website/online chat: www.safetotalk.nz
Email: [email protected]
The Lowdown
An awesome website and 24/7 help service for youth who feel stuck. Whether it’s mental health issues, relationships, or school issues, the lowdown offers ideas, info and help.
Freephone: 0800 111 757
thelowdown.co.nz Text: 5626 for confidential chat. Anonymous online chat 24/7.
Fun Fact: Studies at UCLA showed that talking with someone and ‘labelling’ emotions can slow the part of the brain that triggers negative feelings and help calm our minds.